When I was asked to write something for the "Real Moms, Real Messy" blog, one of the first things I thought was, "I am going to have to spend a lot of time in prayer to decide what to write about. As a mother of eight, including two older step-sons who don't live with us; two biological children, one of whom is now a teenager and one that just started elementary school; three adopted children aged four, three, and one; and one foster child, who is five months old, I have had plenty of "real mom" moments. In fact, I usually have multiple moments on a daily basis.
The day I was asked, however, I had posted a link to an article on my Facebook page about a woman who was encouraging other women to learn to love their bodies as they are and not focus on what other people think the ideal body should look like. This topic is so sensitive to women in general, but the article and my comments about it struck a real cord with several people I hold dear to my heart. Realizing that this was going to be posted only a couple days before New Years Day made it seem like the perfect thing to write about. After all, how many of us torture ourselves year after year with resolutions we don't ever follow through with, perpetuating the cycle of self hate that I have found to be so pervasive in so many women?
I grew up overweight. I can't ever remember a time in my life that I was not overweight. I was teased mercilessly through most of my public school education, and the combination of that and media portrayal of "beautiful" (ie. skinny) women caused me to really hate my body. I went through cycles of dieting, and for several periods off and on through the years I went through periods of time where I would "binge and purge." I would lose some weight, but then I would always bounce back up to where I had been. It got worse after I started having babies. Let me tell you, ladies, you don't have to give birth to a child for them to cause you to stop any kind of self care you may have been doing. I even participated in several "Biggest Loser"style competitions in order to motivate myself to lose weight.
Then one day I had an epiphany. Did I want my three daughters to grow up hating their bodies, continually dieting to achieve an ideal of body perfection that is nearly impossible for most women? Did I want my sons to grow up thinking a woman was somehow "less than" if her body was "more than" the "ideal" size? I realized that even though it has been years since an insensitive school mate had made me feel bad about myself, my own thoughts had taken over as the bully in my life. Did I want that to transfer to my own children, who will eventually have to make their own decisions about how they will treat people and even themselves?
Though I am not currently the size I would like to be, I have come to the place where I am mostly ok with me. I have to fight those self-devaluing, insecure thoughts often, but I also realize that my husband, my kids, and most importantly, the Lord, love me just the way I am. While writing this and reflecting on that love, I realized how much my self-hatred had translated into my relationship with God. Recently I went to the Lord in prayer, and He stopped me before I could start. I had fully intended on coming to Him in a hang-dog kind of way, because I had messed up at least a hundred times that day as a mom and a wife and even in other areas. What I believe the Holy Spirit ministered to me in those precious moments before I was allowed to resume my prayer is that God does not want us to come to Him that way. Yes, the flaws are there, but He doesn't see the flaws. He sees the love that He has for us. That doesn't mean He won't work on the flaws, but He loves us despite them.
Just as we need to learn to love ourselves as we are, we need to realize that our Abba loves us the way we are as well. Think about the fact that faith works by love. I had always thought that the love that verse was talking about was my love for others, but I'm also finding that it works by faith in the love that He has for us. If you don't believe that you measure up enough, how will you have faith in God's love for healing, provision, deliverance, grace, and all the good things He has in store for you? There are certainly other things that can cause us not to inherit His precious promises, but I truly believe that one of the main things that has held me back on many occasions was my own belief that I had to measure up before He would do it. He doesn't want us to have those promises because we measure up. He wants us to have the promises because He loves us. God so loved the world that He gave. He didn't wait for the world to get its act together to send Jesus. He gave Him while we were all lost. That is why you can come "boldly to the throne of grace," not as someone who has it all together, but as someone who is deeply, truly, and passionately loved by God just the way you are. And you are beautiful.
-Judith-
No comments:
Post a Comment